soooo cold
This is day four of my horrible illness, and again i went out and worked all day. i did a little less than before, because it was spitting rain, but i have lots of good leads for Tim's territory to bring to the regional meeting tomorrow. He says he'll go to my territory on friday, so if the other guys are in, then it was all worth it. i want to get off to a strong january more than anything.

i can't believe how sick i am, it is hard to keep my focus on anything, hard to keep my eyes open, and hard to sleep too. My eyes are almost swollen i think. If i hurt this bad tomorrow, i will just have to take a sick day friday. Missing the year-end meeting in Toronto isn't an option, plus my accomodations are already booked. But if i am really sick i won't do the prospecting on the way back, i'll just rest. I just have to persevere a little more, this really can't last much longer.

i need to go to sleep, Scott made me promise 9:00pm bedtime, and God knows i need it. Last night he wouldn't even let me go on the computer 5 minutes, he just gave me his look and said "what you need is to stay where you are while I get you the electric blanket". Damn he does love me!

i'll pack in the morning, i can leave as late as ten, so i'll get it all done. i won't be able to write tomorrow, so i'll update all on friday night when i am back, or as soon as i am able if i get computer access somewhere.

new plug!
Well i found my new little friend, a silicone plug made by Tantus called the Ryder plug, which i tried out tonight with great results. It is soft and smooth like the Doc Johnson Medium , but shorter, so it doesn't feel like it is poking me in an uncomfortable way when i sit down on it. This one i can sit down on and it doesn't hurt a bit. (Not that the other one hurt, more like a really unnatural, really uncomfortable feeling that distracted my attention so much it was hard to wear while sitting.)

Anyway... This one is 4.25" long and 1.5" at its widest diameter, whereas the Doc Johnson was 5.5" long and 1.5" at its widest diameter. With much of that length in the big chunky flared base. The Tantus one is round on the top, not pointed, so it is more like a cock, and has a really nice, small base instead of the chunky one the Doc Johnson has so it sits nicely in place without a chunky base protruding.

Now just at the moment, i am not feeling so hot, being sick, and my arrousal has been pretty low generally speaking for a couple of days, and yet, i am 99% sure this plug is a keeper. There are another one i found i would like to try at some point, but the Tantus plug is definately a great improvement. As a bonus, it washes clean in a flash, it is boilable and bleachable, has a nice feel and is odorless, unlike the Doc Johnson which has a destinctive rubbery smell to it. So while the Doc Johnson's shape makes learning how to use a plug easier, i think the Tantus will be a better long term use product.

long hard day, but good day
Well a couple of things about today. First, on our team effort to blitz each others' sales territorries to uncover new opportunities and compile prospect info... i ROCKED. i started my day by driving to all the way to Oakville to meet the guys, and i has the longest drive. It also was nasty freezing rain and sleet, so the 1 and a half hour drive actually took me three hours. I conference-called into the monday morning meeting without skipping a beat and showed them all me dedication to the job. Dedication i think it's about time i showed.

I went to Tim's territory, Burlington, since it was closest to the meeting place, and filled two pages with merchant prospects. I'd say i identified at least a dozen great, really solid accounts for him to sign even though after weather considerations, i was probably only out there about four hours. Considering our 2005 signings target is 120 for the year, as the saying goes, that ain't hey. i hope to do an even better job in Hamilton tomorrow and earn some reciprocal blitz prospecting help out in my territory come the end of the week.

i worked my ass off, and i am sicker than hell, and oddly enough, i am really very happy. i liked my job today, and i haven't thought that in a long time. if i am not feeling better in the morning, i may swap my tues and wed plans and stay in and do my expenses and paperwork tomorrow and go see my doctor. But then, i will really have to get prepared for the rest of the week too so it will not be restful. Hmmm, hopefully i'll be on the mend. i have been aching all day.

resting
i hate resting, i do anything to avoid rest, which is probably why i have problems sleeping. i tried to rest for awhile today, then after about an hour i thought as long as i am laying down i may as well wear my plug at the same time so it would be done. it went in so easily it shocked the hell out of me, i guess i didn't the my marathon wearing of the plug yesterday would have. i could put it right in and then pull it right out with almost no discomfort at all. i was kind of thrilled my that.

Oddly enough i only had it in for an hour and it was very uncomfortable. i felt this deep aching, it bothered me terribly. i think it's because i am sick, i feel hypersensitive, to light, to cold, to touch, i just couldn't wear it anymore.

Then i was grouchy i couldn't keep to my disciplines and i just wasted two hours NOT SLEEPING and got up. Damn.

Maybe while i'm in Hamilton and Burlington i will visit the local toy stores and see if i can't find a better plug too. Otherwise i am sure i should be able to find something in Toronto next Thursday, i guess i just have to be patient. If i can't find something new to try then to heck with it, i'll just order from the US again. I think when i find the right one i am going to throw a party for it, i may even build it a little shrine. Then i'll buy it a twin to make sure nothing happens to it!

unwell part 2, sick
i woke up this morning with my throat on fire and a fever, i have caught Alex's illness. Scott started touching me, wanted to pleasure me and it was too hard and too direct on my tender clit. after a few minutes i grabbed his had and said, "stop! please! that's just....to much!!". i think i hurt his feelings. He said he wanted to touch me knew he had neglected me last time, wanted to hear me cum. He said "take my hand and show me".

That was an interesting experience, had i not been sick, i would have felt almost in charge. As it was, i was obeying what he asked me to do. My eyes were almost closed, i was just submitting to what he wanted, i didn't even want it, i was so aching. That made it even sweeter when i came, the giving over to his request.

i was able to make them breakfast, and then i lost my energy again, had to lie down. After awhile i took a hot bath to take the chill off me and got dressed. By the time i finished getting dressed i was so exhausted i was dizzy. Scott lay me down on the bed. He volunteered to drive Alex to my ex-husband's for me. He has never met my ex-husband before but it wasn't bad, Scott said he was curt and polite. When he got back he tucked me in again and left me to rest. This cut alot into his day because he is still working on building his garage every weekend and i am so grateful he was here.

my back problems
i had a problem with my back when Alex was a baby, my back started to give out from carrying him in the infant carrier but with some chiropractic care, and some massage, it was much improved. Then a couple of years ago, it started happening again. My back was constantly seizing up. i would be walking along or standing, talking to a co-worker and my face would either flush or turn white and i would feel the shooting pain in my back and the tears well up in my eyes. A few times i needed to leave meetings barely able to choke out the words "excuse me" from the pain.

My doctor gave me muscle relaxants, Tylenol 2, eventually Tylenol 3, and said there was little else they could do for me. I went three times a week for chiropractic care and once a week to see a massage therapist. After a few months of no marked improvement, all was right as rain. About that time, i discovered my chiropractor mas a scoundrel who had deliberately manipulated the x-rays of my back to make me think i had scoliosis, when in fact, i do not, my own doctors x-rays showed no curve in my spine what-so-ever. So i stopped seeing the chiropractor and my back still felt ok. After a few more weeks i stopped the massage therapist too, because i just didn't have enough time to keep going and my health plan doesn't cover all the costs.

This is the first recurrence of major pain in, i would guess, a year. i had some mild discomfort when i shoveled my walkway last winter, but that was bearable. (i have a townhouse and the condo corporation is responsible for plowing and shoveling, but at times when it snowed heavily i shoveled the walkway myself.

i am going to have to find a new chiropractor and find the card for my massage therapist, and see my doctor... unfortunately i am going to be out of town all day Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday of next week and the pressure is really on for me to stop slacking off in my job. i am going to have to do my best to get by and make all the appointments for Wednesday, there is just no way around it.

Damn i wish i hadn't stopped with the chiropractic care. i knew it helped, but i just couldn't keep going to that particular practitioner. i should have found a new one back then and i wouldn't be in this incredible pain now. It was laziness on my part, pure and simple to have not stuck to what i knew i needed.

At least i know how to deal with this pain, having had it before. i even have an ultra-light little vacuum that i can use when my back is hurting too much to manage the big one and know how to do things like getting and out of the car in particular ways to put less strain on my back. Also i have Scott to help me, and i know he would do anything for me.

unwell part 1, my back
Yesterday i was feeling pretty tired all day, i guess i ignored the feeling while i ran around doing household chores like vacuuming and laundry and cleaning the bathrooms. Since my son was sick and we were staying in anyway, i thought it best to do as much as possible in the house so i could go out and about on Sunday. Anyway, when Scott came over He played with Alex for a bit while i did this and that to finish up, I made supper and all that but my energy just kept dwindling.

Then after supper i was lying on the floor on my back, almost falling asleep right there while Scott rubbed my feet and Alex called me to come and see something in his room. i went to put myself in a sitting position straight up from flat on my back and my back completely seized up. i actually only pulled up about three inches off the floor and it was like being stabbed in the spine. I must have had some kind awful pained and horrified look because Scott nearly flew to my side and said are you ok? i felt the blood drain out of my face and i got really cold then.

Scott stayed by me and even walked behind me as i slowly made my way up the stairs and managed to sit in the padded glider-rocker in my son's room to say good night to him. i told Alex i couldn't tuck him in, just to come over and give me a kiss in the chair. After Alex was taken care of Scott took off my clothes and dressed me in my grey Tommy lounge-wear so i could get warm. He helped me all night, with every little thing i needed. i took a muscle relaxant and a Tylenol 3, which i haven't done in over a year. He got me some wine and wrapped me in blankets to keep warm and held me close.

Scott wasn't even going to make love to me because i was in so much discomfort but i said it is ok because our usual position is where i am kind of curled up on my side anyway so it really was more comforting than painful. He is so precious it is beyond words.

3 hours, oh my
My son is sick, he has a fever and woke in the night crying. Needless to say, we are going to stay in today. Sadly, Alex was invited to two birthday parties today, and now he will miss them both. i was going to try to wear the plug for two hours today, and was pretty close to that when i remembered i hadn't made calls to the parents of Alex's classmates to advise he is ill, and it was getting late. Well to make a long story short, the conversation ran long!

i got into a big discussion with another parent about problems she has had with our after school program, the french community centre program, the school administration, right up to the schoolboard superintendant! Needless to say i wanted to hear about it, but i also wanted to remove the plug. It really wasn't bad, just really FULL. i picked this day of all days to try wearing the smartballs at the same time. That is not good at all, i will chalk that up to a bad idea that should not repeat.

By the time i had said three or four times, "maybe we can get together for a cup of tea and chat about this soon" and "i hate to cut this short but Alex really needs some attention", i was in quite the hurry to finish with this particular discipline! i had the plug in three hours and twenty minutes by the time i had my release. Wowwwww. i have taken out the balls too, i need a rest indeed! Whew! This whole thing just re-affirms my need for a new plug, i cannot wear that one for so long, the base is just about killing me, and it pokes me the wrong way inside. At least i know i can manage it, i feel pretty good for being so sore! BUT i think i need to do some shopping of a different kind... the sooner the better!

shopping with linda
A girlfriend of mine, linda, asked me to go to the mall with her last night after work. i know her form our kids going to the same daycare when they were younger. So we took the kids to the mall, ate dinner and put them in the play-centre to run amok while we shopped. It was bliss. I love linda, she rocks.

One day about six weeks ago or so she was over here and the kids were in the livingroom playing. Scott was sending me text messages on my cell phone. i would look at the phone, blush, and return to conversation. On about the third one she said, "what is he writing???" i said, oh i can't tell you, he is being frisky. So she says, "oh come on, i've been married since i was born, give me a thrill, let me see, let me see!!!". Well in a moment of boldness, i handed her the phone. It said "i loved you walking around in your skirt last night, all smooth and bare".

She laughed and smiled and said, that is FABULOUS! Then she told me a story about oral sex. i was so happy, i have never had conversations like that. She ended up saying something a little later on about having had anal sex, and who the hell can you brag about that to? So ever since then, i was decided that we have to be better friends, because frankly i have let all my friendships go in the single girl days and that kind of chat is just awesome. A little relaxed laughter does a world of good.

i went to buy Alex a pair of boots and i was looking at and tried on a pair of muted pint boots. A must-have she said, you need to get them! And since it was buy one pair, get the second at half price, how could i resist! Then i looked at this little pink purse with an 'L' charm on it. i said to her that i am feeling so girly i would actually buy it if it had a strap instead of being a clutch. She said yes, and we could both buy the "L" purses, and we could match and be all cute about it!!! We had a good laugh about it, women our age gigling over matching purses. Oh it does the spirit good.

When we were in the drugstore she saw this big square ceramic dish for $10 and said, you know that is an awesome price, i so want to buy it, but we are supposed to be buying presents! i looked at a pair of specialty coffee glasses, the ones you serve the coffees with liqueurs in and thought fondly of the Bailey's and Frangelico in pantry gathering dust. i touched the glasses and said, i know, sigh, i know. Then the light dawned. i grinned, snatched up the ceramic plate and said, "tell you what, you buy the glasses, i'll buy the dish, now they are presents!!". Our eyes locked and we burst out laughing.

When we left the store i quipped over my shoulder, too bad you lied the dish, i was going to buy you a sex toy! i wonder if she thinks i was serious? *grin*

patience
patience, patience, lol. kim wrote a post about patience in the forum and it reminds me of my own struggles with being impatient and hot headed.

i wrote...

lol, this is the thing about we women, we are picky, picky, picky! I myself feel the heat rising in me and the steam from my ears for the stupidest things of all. Last night i was pissy that Scott took my spot on the couch. i also get pissy when He tries to kiss me when i am making dinner and my son is hungry and waiting. It bothers me to no end when i have to move His crap off the counter in the bathroom. Am i wrong to be so easily hurt and impatient? Yes!

They are right! We should stow it and complain about something that actually matters. i don't know what it is that makes my blood boil over these little things. Sometimes i think i am hypersensitive. Sometimes i think i am overly hormonal. Whatever it is, i know that patience is a virtue i should embrace a little more! Who said that spot on the couch was mine? He looked very comfortable in it and was there first. If He is so happy to see me making his dinner that he pulls me to his chest for a kiss, and i can't stop cooking for 60 seconds to appreciate that, i should give my head a shake. His crap on the bathroom counter? Well before i complain about His toiletries maybe i should stop and be grateful He is always fresh and clean shaven and smells good.

............... i really have gotten a lot beter at holding my tongue. i am very proud of that!!